I’m hoping that through sharing my birth story you can get a glimpse of what a C-section is like. Every woman, every baby is different, but this is my story.

 

I had my first little pumpkin!

baby Ezra

Ezra was born March 21, 2018, at 6:02 pm. He’s was a banging 7.15lbs.  I gotta say, by the end of my pregnancy I was looking rough. Don’t get me wrong, I had an awesome pregnancy but felt huge (I know..it’s normal, but still). I was induced on Wednesday morning around 2 am. I was on target for labor, but I stopped dilating so we ended up going through with a C-section. I wasn’t upset or mad about this, in fact, I even did some research and read blogs in case my birth had to be via C-section. I guess you could say I was somewhat prepared (mostly just wanted to meet this little baby).

 They prepped me, got my spinal (hurt like crap, to be honest), and I was laying on the O.R. table. I was COMPLETELY happy and excited but once I got my spinal I had my first panic attack ever. I shut down completely. On that table, I stared at the ceiling with that mind going crazy. Never in my life have I had so many thoughts run through my mind at the same time. Will I be able to handle recovery? Will this procedure end up ok? What if I start bleeding out? WHERE’S MY FREAKING HUSBAND!? All I wanted to do was run, get out there as soon as I could. I was terrified, but I couldn’t say one word.

My husband finally came into the room and held my hand like there’s no tomorrow. He tries talking to me to get my mind off the panic and before I knew it they had already started the procedure. I had NO clue when it happened or what they were doing and I was flipping out. My eyes could barely be kept open and everything was really groggy. When I heard my baby cry for the first time I thought a duck walked into the operating room. A duck. Don’t question this because I’m not even sure what I was thinking. After a few seconds, I realized that was my baby Ezra and tears would not stop falling out! Best moment of my life.

 

But the very next moment my baby was being taken away, my husband leaves the room, and I’m left with random strangers closing me up. At that moment, I never felt more alone. Every time I see pictures or videos of moms giving birth vaginally and holding their babies right after, breastfeeding instantly, I feel nothing but heartbreak. Like I missed out. I wasn’t even the first person to hold my baby, yes it was my husband and I’m blessed for that, but I wasn’t the second either. I wasn’t the third. I didn’t even get to breastfeed till maybe 30 minutes after I was out of surgery. And even that I don’t remember. I see pictures of me in recovery, I hear stories from everybody that was there that night and I still can’t really remember what happened. It makes me so sad. I couldn’t remember the vast majority of when my first baby was born. No blog post, no article prepared me for the fact that I would be under (heavy) drugs and wouldn’t remember much of that event.

But to end it on a good note…Later the next day, the nurse was telling me how she thought me and my husband were the cutest couple (I know we are). When I mentioned he was actually my H U S B A N D, she flipped thinking I was 14. I mean, I know I look young but 14!? I’m straight 20. But hey, at least I’m going to be looking young af when I’m in my 40s. Who’s really winning here?

Now, I’m in absolutely no way shaming C-sections, because in the end my baby is healthy, laughing, and I cuddle him like crazy! But there were times where I couldn’t stand being around people talking about their vaginal birth. I got jealous and angry. Yes, part of these mood swings were from postpartum depression, but I know I wasn’t the only one to feel this way.

This is what a real C-section is like.

If you’ve had or are having a C-section, don’t be terrified. If anything, your birth can be the best thing ever. Everybody is different. All that matters is your wonderful little munchkin, but also know what to expect in all aspects. From prepping to the procedure, to recovery both physically and mentally. I never read one blog post or article about how a mom emotionally feels after a C-section. Everybody portraited it as a happy-go-lucky thing and when that didn’t happen for me I thought something was wrong with me. Ha!

Don’t be afraid to let someone know what you’re feeling. I kept everything to myself, all these feelings from the moment Ezra was born and it turned out I had postpartum depression. Luckily, it was not too severe or anything, but always stay on the safe side for the safety of your baby. Talk to someone.

Regardless of all this mumbo-jumbo, us moms are badass women. We go through this intense physical and emotional event and then come home, put aside out recoveries and thoughts so we can care for our babies.

You are amazing.

 

 

 

 

 

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